There is one comforting thing about Mom’s confusion – her personality is still there and we can still enjoy time with her. Saying the same ol’ things, talking the same ol’ way, joking the same ol’ way and just hanging out with Mom. I’m thankful for that at least.
Friday evening I went in to see Mom and she was laying in bed but smiled and said, “well , look who’s here”. She was tickled to see me and it warmed my heart. We hugged & kissed and then I sat on her bed and we chatted. After a while she sat up a bit more and
she said, “Well I might as well go to the house with you”. GULP. I said, “you can’t yet Mom, you have to complete your therapy.” She said, “Therapy, , I know how to do what I need to do.” I said, “yes, but you can’t be home alone yet and Sister and I both have to work……and you don’t want any stranger in your house with you – do you?” She said, “no, but I sure didn’t think I would be in here this long. This is going to cost some money.” I said, “don’t you worry about it – insurance is covering this.”
Then I proceeded to say that this rehab got her from laying in bed to being able to walk around, etc. The next therapy will focus on getting her back into her daily routines – dressing, bathing, getting her hair done, and preparing her something to eat, etc. She was a bit suspicious but did agree we had to work.
Sister and I visited the first of 3 facilities Saturday morning. It was ok – really very similar to the facility Mom is currently in, except it has carpet throughout and is locked down with a courtyard.
Then we visited that facility that Mom and I used to pass and she would say,
“If I ever get down, you put me in there.”
Oh, that place is so nice – it looks just like a resort’s lobby when you go in and they have a “concierge!”. We spent some time talking with the lady about the facility, the services, etc. We reviewed the costs and asked if we could negotiate the rate -- there IS a business side to this as well. We certainly have to be smart and not venture into something that cannot last as long as necessary.
Now, this facility has built a lot of cottage homes and they typically do not take in patients for “Memory Support” or their nursing home facility because these are reserved for the home owners. However, they have availability and the fact is it is a business and the Memory Support unit is only half full – negotiation seems reasonable to me.
We toured parts of the facility and especially the Memory Support area. It was so entirely different from the first facility. Folks were up, moving around and seemed very well adjusted. Everyone spoke to us and smiled and/or waved. None of that slumped over in a wheel chair in the hall crap. These people were up and moving. The layout has all rooms opening into a common area, they have a living room area with big screen tv and gas fireplace, a sun room, a courtyard and dining room. They also have within the community a hair salon, library, billiards room, fitness center, swimming pool, etc. It is like a resort!
They will get Mom on a schedule for getting her hair done and when it’s time they will get her and say “it’s time for your hair appt” and just take her right on. They also have a café downstairs that they take them too periodically and they go on “Joy Rides” in a van a couple of times a week -- family can go too. They have music, bingo, yoga, “sittercise”, etc. Sister and I were both so impressed.
We walked out with a schedule to go to one other facility that we already didn’t like the location. We were walking across the lot and I looked at sister and noted the time and that we should really go by and see Mom to see if we could get her to go out for a milkshake before it got late. But, what do we do about the other place. Sister suggested we skip it. YAY!
So, does that mean you like this one? “yea” YAY!!
That’s how I feel too – Mom will be well stimulated, well cared for and pampered – and she should have that. We may not be able to afford it for 5 years, but we can certainly try to negotiate a rate that we may be able to cover for 3 or 4. I want her last years to be as good as possible.
We headed for the rehab center with paperwork in hand to fill out later (tomorrow). Got to rehab and found Mom dressed but laying in the bed. She was pleasant and glad to see us. I told her we were hungry and how about her and her roommate loading up in the car and let’s go to Sonic? Mom didn’t want to leave the place, but said for us to just go and pick up something. Oh well, rather her be that way than a ‘wanderer’. So, we ran out, grabbed some food and came back. We all munched a bit and then we said, “let’s take you two ladies outside for some sunshine”. It was sunny and 64 degrees out side – a beautiful day. So, both ladies in their wheel chairs and sister and I pushing we went for a stroll outside. Then we sat around the benches and chatted….both ladies enjoyed the warm sun. They were playing music inside, so we decided to go in and listen. Mom said, “let’s go sit in the back row” HA – the room is just tables – but we chose one in the back corner of the room. Mom hummed and really enjoyed the music and the people – one old lady would stand up periodically and shake her hips! Sister and I looked at each other and grinned – we both were thinking how Mom is really going to like that other place.
I told Mom, “Remember I told you that other building you’re moving to in a few weeks?” She nodded. I said, “well, that building has an Elvis impersonator” She said, “Really?” and grinned. I said, “yea, and it’s a really nice place”.
We are planting that seed but we also are trying to prepare ourselves for the transfer. We learned today that there is this thing called “transfer trauma” that lasts about a week. Folks with dementia will get very agitated, confused and upset when transferred as change is so difficult for them. We worry about that time but we will do our best and we have faith in this facility’s ability to help all of us get through it. One thing is for sure – ALL the patients there were VERY well adjusted and Mom will get that way too. I can actually envision visiting her there and being able to tool around that “resort” and really have some quality time to ‘hang out’ with Mom. This will be Mom as the person she is – her true personality will be there – that’s what we’re seeing now. Amid the confusion, there is still that personality that likes music and laughs.
This train is still moving fast and I feel so darn exhausted. So, much to learn, so many decisions to make, so much to do and then somehow, we are to maintain OUR normal lives and work! At Mom’s house Saturday night I felt that longing – missing Mom and Dad. We’re taking care of what we need to and we are doing the best thing for Mom, but this takes a toll on us all and the heartache doesn’t end, it just takes various forms.
Sunday morning I found myself falling into one "pitty party" after another and very emotional and sad. After packing I ran the vacuum and put out all the trash as I tried cleaning up throughout the weekend. I went to see Mom about 10am and found her sitting on her roommate's bed talking to her roommate -- totally confused and very uncomfortable about the confusion. She turned and saw me and was so relieved! She said she had tried calling the house and didn't get an answer -- I said, "Well, that is because no one is there." She said,"God, but I figured someone would answer" I said, "no, cause you're here" She asked where Sister was. Then she asked about Daddy.
I looked at her, she looked at me, I looked at her roommate, stunned, not sure how to respond. Looked back at Mom and said,"Mom, Daddy has been gone for some time" She said, "Oh, I know that, damn.....I'm so confused and got so worried that I didn't know how you all would find me". I hugged her and said, "awww, it's going to be ok, maybe its the medicine causing the confusion. But, don't worry (big hug), we know where you are and we're not going to let you get away."
She calmed down but she had really been in a tizzy. I talked her into getting dressed and going outside as it was another beautiful day. We started out with her and her roommate -- roommate was motoring her wheelchair with her feet and I was about to try and push both when one of Mom's neighbor's showed up to assist. So, we strolled outside and then sat in the sun on the benches. She had some very confusing moments and it was tough but I held everything in until I left.
Once Mom shook her head and said, "I don't know how I got myself into this mess."
We went back inside just before lunch and got her started on eating before I finally left. She kept trying to understand why she was there and why she had to stay.
VERY DIFFICULT but we are doing the right thing. I know we are, we just have to stay the course.
Sister went by this evening and Mom was craving a cigarette and finally coerced Sister's man to take her outside and she bummed one from him. What the heck? Why not? They stopped her nicotine patch about a week ago and a few days later was the first time she started thinking about cigarettes. Now at this point, why in the hell would you take away the woman's nicotine? This causes her to look for her cigarettes which causes her to wonder where her pocket book is which causes her to think about keys, house, cars, etc. Just really drives her into a rabbit hole of confusion. No need for that!
So, sister requested the nurse give patch back -- but have to wait for ok from Doctor tomorrow. We also noticed they are checking Mom's sugar every day -- Saturday it was 171 and this morning it was 189. The nurse says they don't do anything about it until it is over 200. (more reading required on this one).
Well, now we have to email the rehab to see if they got the psych evaluation scheduled and could they please ask that doctor to recommend some medication? No need for Mom to suffer these anxieties from the confusion.
We also have to request the rehab doctor do a full physical to provide to the new facility. We also have to talk to new facility about processing financial paperwork, scheduling their nurses' assessment and then coordination with both facilities for the transfer. Sister and I both believe the sooner the better as Mom's care will be improved at the new facility. Maybe we can get lucky and get her moved week after this.
We have to coordinate moving some chairs into the new facility -- they provide bed, wardrobe and dresser, but we need to include some visitor chairs and the TV and a couple little tables. We have to coordinate some time off for both Sister and I as we need to be with Mom for the first week or so as she needs family with her until she gets used to the place and gets to know some people.
A lot to do, but we'll get through.
To be continued……………………….
